The reason i live
by snapesnogger
Summary: Severus believes he has lost all he loves. but he finds reason for living.
1. Let me go!

Disclaimer: I do not own any thing from Harry potter and so on.  
  
Hi. This is my first fan fiction ever. I have no idea whether my writing is rusty or not so I'll leave that to you and try not to bite heads off guys who rightfully criticise me.  
  
Chapter one: let me go.  
  
The wind howled through the turrets and towers of the castle. The black stormy skies emitted gusts of such ferocity that the trees bowed over to succumb to their power and force. As the rain lashed inwards from the northern gales, a man stood uneasy on the ledge of the tallest tower. His dark, soaking wet hair whipped his cold cheeks leaving small stings. The rainwater ran down his face, over his quivering lips and dripping from his chin.  
  
A flash of lightning suddenly struck the conductor of the nearest tower to him. He looked down to the ground. It was covered in large boulders and sharp rocks, but it was the only way out of his misery.  
  
He moved one foot over the ledge. He toppled forward.  
  
"SEVERUS, NO!"  
  
The wind whistled in his ears, the wind passing him too quickly for breath.  
  
Then all was dark...  
  
"How is he?"  
  
"His condition is fatal and unstable!"  
  
"What is the problem?"  
  
"He's suffering internal injuries and bleeding. He has 7 ribs broken, a punctured lung and concussion. Both his legs have also been broken and..."  
  
"Then what are you going to do, damn it?!"  
  
"We are stabilizing his condition. We will need to borrow Fawkes for Severus' external injuries and phoenix tear potion for internal wounds..."  
  
Severus' soggy brain could barely digest the surgical jargon that was being conversed in the background. Many people were rushing around his bed, attaching tubes to his body, shouting for things in panicky voices, and running up and down the hospital wing in a very dramatized manner, because, Severus did not realise, they were dealing with a very serious matter.  
  
Someone grasped his hand. He looked to his side. There an old man sat, his face white and his fingers shaking.  
  
"Albus." Severus managed to croak.  
  
Dumbledore nodded and smiled weakly.  
  
"Why am I here?" Severus groaned.  
  
"Because your time has not yet come, Severus." Dumbledore replied.  
  
The matrons scuttled around looking for the appropriate medicines for Severus' many different injuries.  
  
"I have nothing left to live for." Severus moaned.  
  
Dumbledore watched the young man for quite some time. He observed his chalk white face and his wet black hair that lay straggled on his pillow. He looked so weak...but so beautiful, like a delicate snowdrop flower. A tear formed in one of Dumbledore's eyes.  
  
"Yes you do! And you know that!" Dumbledore whispered to him. "You have your son."  
  
"No I do not!" Severus snapped. "He belongs to that muggle family off his now and...and..."  
  
Severus' voice faltered. Tears poured over his cheeks and he began to shake from the strain of sadness that swelled in his throat, as if he wanted to wail in defeat. Dumbledore tightened his grip on Severus' hand.  
  
Suddenly Severus' body began to jolt violently in spasms. He could feel his heart thumping rapidly and unevenly inside him. He gasped loudly.  
  
The matrons panicked more and shouted at each other to fetch the life support.  
  
Dumbledore grasped Severus' hand with both of his own.  
  
There was a moment as the two men stared into each other's eyes.  
  
"Let me go, Albus." Severus' eyes begged. "Please let me die. Let me be with her again."  
  
"No!" Dumbledore's determined glare replied. "Live for him, Severus. The end is not yet nigh!"  
  
Severus's eyes began to cloud to dreamy black. His heartbeat echoed in his brain.  
  
"The end is not yet nigh, Severus." 


	2. Awaken to a new life

Chapter 2: awaken to a new life.  
  
Morning came in a celebration of sunshine. A debt, it may seem, for the stormy night before. The warm light poured in through the window and onto Severus' bed. A bird sang somewhere outside. The world was content...for a while.  
  
The bird's sweet song roused Severus from his black, dreamless slumber. His eyes flickered open. He was warm and comfortable in the fresh clean hospital bed. All the matrons had disappeared from the hospital wing, leaving Severus fully healed, though it had taken a long time to do so. His mind was in a blissful blur, as if nothing from the previous night had happened. Suddenly the sickening feeling of realisation crept over him. The misery was so intense that it squeezed at his gut, giving him the feeling that a clamp was closing tightly around his stomach. It was sadness so strong he could have wretched. He slumped miserably back onto his pillow. He could feel the blunt meaninglessness gnawing at his dulled and heavy brain.  
  
"Good morning!" said a voice to his right.  
  
Severus couldn't even be bothered to jump. He glanced to his bedside. Dumbledore smiled warmly at him.  
  
"We nearly lost you there!" Dumbledore said with a slight chuckle.  
  
Severus did not reply. For a long while there was silence.  
  
"Why did you save me?" said Severus miserably. "I wanted to die!"  
  
"I can't allow anyone to waste their soul by throwing it away, Severus." Dumbledore replied on a greyer note.  
  
"I wouldn't have! I would've been with her again...in her arm!" Severus cried.  
  
He broke down into tears. Dumbledore's felt his heart crack as he watched Severus grieve. He a placed a hand on his back and rubbed it in a comforting way.  
  
"No good things come to those who choose to take their own life, Severus. It is not ones choice to choose ones fate..."  
  
"FATE IS BULLSHIT!!!!!" Severus screamed. He glared at Dumbledore. His cheeks blotched from the tears and hate creasing his face. His expression slowly slid down and he hung his head, whimpering slightly.  
  
"I loved lily so much! I would have given my life for her! If only I had held back! If only I had never met her again! If only we had held our passion back for at least a week... she would still be alive! Its all my fault!"  
  
"Do not blame yourself. If it wasn't for you and lily, Voldemort would still be at large."  
  
Severus had flinched at the mentioning of the dark lords name. He unconsciously began to rub his left forearm. Dumbledore glanced at the behaviour.  
  
"You wont have to put up with that mark anymore, at least." He said calmly.  
  
Severus froze and stared, horrified, at Dumbledore.  
  
"How did you know?" he asked his voice wavering in anger.  
  
"You didn't expect to keep your occlument guard up while you were unconscious, did you?" asked Dumbledore, somewhat in reply.  
  
"YOU HAVE NO RIGHT, ALBUS!!!!!!" Severus bellowed.  
  
"I had to find out the reason you jumped from the tallest tower, Severus, I had no choice. You would never tell..."  
  
"HOW COULD YOU?!!" Tears streamed from his eyes that were full of hatred and anger at the old man. He screamed in frustration and punched his quilt. He finally slumped back with a despairing sigh.  
  
Dumbledore looked solemn. "I am afraid I will have to have you trailed, Severus."  
  
Again Severus did not reply.  
  
"But I know your situation from what I saw in your memories. You were forced by your father, weren't you?"  
  
Severus nodded.  
  
"Then I shall see to it, that you come out of that trial without a life sentence in Azkaban."  
  
Severus looked up, his eyes widened.  
  
"You'll really defend my case?" he asked.  
  
Dumbledore nodded, smiling.  
  
Again there was silence.  
  
"What about Harry? Will he remain with the Dursleys?" Severus asked.  
  
"He will have to. It is too dangerous for him to live with you. If Voldemort is ever to regain his strength, the first thing he will do is hunt the both of you down... if he is ever to find out you are his father." Dumbledore replied with a sober expression upon his ancient face.  
  
Severus nodded sadly.  
  
"Harry can't know that I am his real father." He said. Dumbledore placed his hand on Severus' own, a twinkle in his bright blue eyes.  
  
"But one day, he will have to know." He said softly to the young potions master. 


	3. a secret revealedby nature?

_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry potter. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this fan fiction. I would be sitting in my castle like house soaking up all the glory, but I'm not, so there!_

**Sorry I haven't updated for such a long time. I've been busy with my artwork. Enjoy this dumb chapter. My writing is rusty, so no heart breaking flames that make me want to cry. Only jokes.**

Chapter 3: a secret revealed...by nature??

Ten years passed Severus slowly and painfully. His skills in the art of potions had reached an optimum level, but his personality had become as hard and black as onyx. The years of depression had piled on him, forming a thick icy layer, and everyone around him felt the chill.

Though he had passed the trial Dumbledore had organized, he was still scarcely trusted and had no friends but Albus to confide in, but even he didn't have the time for Severus.

Ever since his first day as a teacher, he had received narrow and judgmental looks from the other members of staff. Severus didn't have room in his already heavy mind to even begin worrying about the old biddies. So they were also out of the question for socializing. Severus had suffered bad socialism since his first day at school and beforehand. He was used to being isolated. It was merely a way of life!

He only kept his sanity by thinking about Harry. He thought about him during all his free time, wondered if he was happy with his "family", wondered if he was a good student at his primary school and wondered if he was as kind and gentle as his Angelic mother...wondered if he looked anything like his real father...

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About a week before the first day of school arrived, all teachers received their annual supplies.

Being the potions master of the school, Severus was kept very busy during this time of the year. He had to organize the supplies in his stores and check everything he ordered had come through undamaged. He also and to make many test potions to check whether any ingredients had gone bad or passed their brewing stage.

A primary problem for Severus every year was that he never received enough viper venom. This year he had taken a step ahead and ordered a larger supply than the previous year. And he would never forget it!

In the great hall (the day the supplies had arrived) all the teachers who had arrived at Hogwarts for the first term were discussing their teaching plans for the year ahead. Severus announced his arrival with a loud bang at the oak doors. He marched in his usual stiff fashion up to the staff table and took his seat with out a single greeting to any of his fellow teachers. He was bluntly aware of their sniggering as he sipped his coffee. His patience was becoming short as his curiosity at what they were laughing at increased.

Mcgonnagal noticed the crease in-between his dipping eyebrows and hushed the others. She approached Severus in caution, like the way one would approach an angry cat with its tail waving irritably. He noticed her presence but didn't look up.

"Morning Professor Snape." She said quite briskly.

Severus replied with a small "hmph".

"I suppose your wondering why the staff are laughing at you?" she continued.

"Enlighten me!" he replied

Mcgonnagal was used to his rudeness and continued.

"Well, are you aware the supplies arrived this morning?"

Severus replied in the affirmative with a small "hmm" into his coffee mug while he drank.

"Then I think you had better go and, er, _check_ out your supplies. The rest of us have already moved ours out of the staff room." She said.

"And how is that at all funny?" he snapped quietly.

"You find out for your self!" she replied, trying to suppress a smile.

Fifteen minutes later, Severus was walking briskly to the staff room. He approached the polished mahogany door and twisted the knob. The door creaked open gently and Severus let out a loud groan of anguish. Inside there were piles upon piles of large boxes and crates, all with His name on it.

"Big fucking, funny joke!" he hissed through clenched teeth.

Severus had a lot of trouble transferring the crates and boxes from the staff room all the way down to his dungeons. He could have shrunk the boxes to pocket size to make it easier, but there was also a risk that all the contents would remain the size of pins. He had to carry all of them to the dungeons and that was a hard and sweaty job. After placing the last box onto the floor of his office, he wiped his sweaty brow and picked up his checklist.

"Shit." He mumbled.

He had 2000 separate ingredients to check.

First thing's first. He was going to check out his viper venom supplies. After searching through a few boxes he found the words printed onto the side of a very large box. He straightened up in surprise of the size of the crate.

"Damn! That's a lot of venom!" he thought.

He grabbed a crow bar and prized open the wooden lid expecting to find large bottles of venom. Instead he found himself gazing upon a large, muscular green coil under a glass lid. Severus jumped in surprise and knocked over a small box behind him. The coil lifted its small, triangular head and blinked. Severus stared into the Glassy, amber eyes of the viper. It flicked is tongue, apparently interested in the startled man before it.

This must have been a mistake! Severus ordered viper venom, not a real bloody viper!

Did the suppliers send the snake as a joke or to take the piss out of their complaining customer?

Well it didn't matter. First thing the next day, he would contact the suppliers and have the snake returned.

He lifted the glass case out of the wooden crate (he noticed the air holes on the sides) and placed it on his desk, out of the way of all the mess. The snake was still staring at him. Severus could see a slight bemusement on the reptile's lipless mouth.

Severus continued unpacking the supplies, every now and then looking over his shoulder at the ever-staring snake. It was very quiet for a long period of time. The snake knew something, Severus could tell! So he kept his mouth shut as he worked. The snake's patience grew thin. It was time to test his knew master.

"Atchoo!" it exclaimed flatly.

"Pardon you." Severus replied.

Severus froze, suddenly realizing what had just happened. After standing motionless for about 30 seconds, he resumed in what he was doing before, as if nothing had happened.

"AHA!" the viper yelled triumphantly.

Severus jumped about a foot in the air.

He whirled around to face the snake. It was laughing, slapping its tail on the sandy floor of its cage.

"Oh Ho Ho!" it laughed, now pointing its tail in Severus' direction. Severus felt a cold horror and boiling embarrassment mingled together as he stared wide-eyed at the howling viper.

"Oh, I knew!" it laughed, wiping a tear away with its tail. "I knew as soon as I saw you! Oh MAN! How I knew!"

Severus' refused to open his mouth to ask what the viper meant.

"You a puuuuure, authentic pastletounge, you are!" it exclaimed.


End file.
